It's 8.00 clock in Rifton Central Design Bureau, a company in New York, which manufactures accessories for the disabled and Carole Neal is on the computer, review and revise the designs of assembling parts of the documentation for new products. Above the desk is a large painting of a beach, and a colorful character: "Carpe diem!" For them, the solution is (Latin for "Seize the Day") has a special meaning: often the question of how much more their own. Three years ago, this mother of three children with the diagnosis wasBreast cancer. A first cycle of chemotherapy resulted in remission, but now the cancer has returned with a vengeance.
Plow: What was your first reaction to learning that you have this thing?
Carole: I think that from the beginning, in particular, I was just struck, because I've always been afraid of death. But that lasted only a few minutes later I heard the diagnosis. In fact, I felt somewhat relieved, I do not know why. Maybe because I alwaysFear of dying, and all at once since it was cancer, and I have never had to do this.
Sure, I went to pieces on it since then. After the first attack was from chemo, I was sitting there, and I heard this piece under his arm and I collapsed. I think I did not really faced the possibility of cancer in terminal phase, not at this point anyway ...
This sound really stupid, but it's true: the fear of cancer are almost desperate in my life,but then when it came, right there in the street my face, I had no fear. I do not like the word "gift" because it is overloaded, but it was really a gift. My husband, Dale, and I looked at him and we said 'Here it is. Now we are in the hands of God. " Of course, there are in his hands the whole time. Where else, what better place could we be?
Dale also joked when we found out that I had cancer, he said, would be a shame if I died a little 'Otherwise, because I had so much concerned about the cancer my whole life.
Plow: What changed your attitude at the moment? Changed?
Carole: Well, given that "carpe diem", which on my desk. I think that kind of expresses what I heard every day.
You know, we spend most of our time dealing with small problems and small-minded thoughts, and have come to see that just go. There is anger, envy, every kind of emotion in a relationship withanyone. People hurt each other, in violation of the little things. I came to see that it is just stupid-stupid to waste time on things.
With cancer, you begin to understand that you use every day for every minute is precious. Dale and I talked about how you can make some resentment 'wasted years of our life and things that do not work, or a pretext for the struggle to build enough of a problem or humility, or to makewhatever.
The present moment, when we now have is for you, for me or for anyone. And 'everything we have. We tend to think, too: "I do tomorrow" or "I'm going until I have time, just waiting ..." But we have not actually tomorrow. None of us do. We have only today and have only each other, the person close to us, the person with whom you live or work. This view is a big challenge for me.
Each of us has a lifeLive and once we determined that we should not live. We must be willing to give up all our plans, but also everything to go after, what we found, too. I'm not saying that we all need to be strong and energetic. Is not a personal thing. But to really live every need our fire ...
Plow: Where is the boundary between the acceptance of the fact that she has cancer, and fight it out?
Carole: Well, obviously you are not lying when you know youcancer. They not only determine fold up and crash. They are fighting to stay alive, with everything you have. That's why I thought chemotherapy was the answer to the first, because I felt that I was really in the fight against the disease, with everything I had. I wanted to participate in the type of explosive, you know what it was.
Then I discovered that it is a tumor without hope, that people simply do not survive. I think you told me that the survival rate was essentially zero, 1-99. But I have not asked, and I havecare. I knew that before the death of my sister [tumor] that the statistics are pretty bleak. And when I said "Forget the numbers. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in bed, sick and vomiting and everything else. I'm going with what I have to live. "
Plow: So is living with cancer when they die?
Carole: Yes This is exactly where he is. And I think that is why I can not handle these sweet songs, which sometimessung to the dying or seriously ill. I'm not saying that I would be rather stupid, superficial things, but I love Mary Poppins, piano music since 1940, Ray Charles, Black Gospel Music ...
I'll be honest: when "the time has come," I hope nobody starts to sing the hymns of the movement in the sky. I think I was already down into the pit. You know the words of the song can be profound, but for some reason, hearing her sing reminds me of all the depressing things in life. II know I should not be so, but ... I need energy and strength for the fight. The struggle for life. And I can than directly from the Gospel.
Dale and I go every day, reading the Gospels, we read them over and over and over again in recent years, and Jesus, most of these radical, revolutionary lover of life, in my opinion, absolutely blows every time I read his words. He takes me where I want to be in life and in death. He had this incredible compassion for the weak andsin, but he only shouted louder and powerful (even though he loved them too), and had a deep respect for God, his father, our father. But it was not religious. I bet that was a whale of a time when everything he did.
Now we think this is strange, but for me the fight was like an adventure, the adventure of my life: the need to fight for something that is absolutely fatal. I felt from the beginning, I was not a part of this disease has made meabove. And I do not want to hear about suffering, I did not know he died, I was not about heaven and angels, and read all these things.
Even when reading the Gospels, I think I have a real good news of Jesus to me, where life is. Jesus fought for everything, and he did and said only what he felt to the outside. He loved them all without reservation: the rich and poor, everyone. And at the same time, he grabbed the man in a violent manner, asToo bad that with compassion, but straight incredible. Not that I could do forever. But I had to live my life with this kind of passion.
Plow: You have a lot of death the same day?
Carole: Yes, I think so. It 'really what scares me more. It expresses the devil that I think of all those present to sing and look for all morbid or anything. I do not know, I think that every death is different. HopefullyThere are a lot of basketball on the square in front of my window when I go, and a powerful music coming from a corner by Ruben's down. Thank God we are all different, and I hope we can enjoy each other in different ways, as we all look at life in different ways, and run with it.
Well, the day of my death: Each of us must die. I think it seems more important, more appropriate, if someone is dying at a younger age than previously thought, butE 'part of life. So today I die, someone else died thirty years down the road.
I think I have more and more by the fact that every day is all I have. I remember yesterday, but I can not do yesterday, and I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Everything I have is now the right thing.
Yesterday I did not think I would live another day, and the doctors and my family did not think it does not. Today, I do not believe that shortly before death. But this is what is so excitingBecause we live in this moment, in the present. May be crazy, I'm still here, come to the office every morning, but you have no idea what it means to me. At work I have all the people I love. I'm not at home watching four walls-I Want to Be Around people, joking and laughing and crying at times too. I certainly could not be alone in bed.
You know, since I was a child, I heard that hell, if you can defineE 'separation and isolation. Being cut off by itself. Not feeling connected to others. But it is remarkable: only during the moments when I felt more alone than I have felt the power and strength of the community, as he prays for those who are sick or weak or the fight, and I heard the prayers and doors love.
Plow: What advice do you have for a dying person's family or caregivers? I do not want to be alone, or in a hospital, but do not want tobe surrounded by mourners.
Carole: I have no advice for everyone. I only know what they want. And I am suspicious of any emphasis on the action in a different world that we really know nothing. Even if you can read and read and read, yet we know nothing. The best way to face death, I believe, is to live. I think I ask God every day that what he did for me today, and I try to do it. But you know, you can get this at a time of prayer,and then the next few minutes you can go out and have a heated argument with someone. It's terrible! So I say forget the sacred prayers. Of course, I hope that the will of God in my life to follow. I will not.
I do not know how to say ... Eternity sometimes seems very close. Yesterday I was really discouraged, I almost never a day like this. I remembered how much I miss Dale and children, and wondered what it's like they will be broken. Then said Dalethe closer than ever if we all work together for eternity. This has given me so much peace and joy when I thought I might like her back, and I asked God: "Please, take me now," because I had a wonderful, happy thoughts.
Plow: But he did not. And today you are at work.
Carole: Yes, silly, I thought, yesterday I was going to go! I could not do I raise my head and I was going down, but then I thought: "I will notthis. I want to be in love, I am with people. "I know what I did today. I was standing at six and took a shower and has one child of their closest breakfast. It 'too good a way to live if' re going to continue. I think the council did not have anyone to make: go on and on, as you can, as you are.
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